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Unapologetic Confidence

Unapologetic Confidence

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Two words crossed the television screen as I watched some show for the second time because I hadn’t paid attention the first time it aired. There was a commercial, which is odd for me because I tend to fast forward passed these, however, this one caught my eye, and the words: UNAPOLOGETIC CONFIDENCE.

The words resonated with me in a tingle-worthy way, meaning that I felt it was a message or something I should pay attention to. The product, I can’t recall, but the words stuck. In my youth, while shy, I was always confident. A lot of people in my life tried to make me feel badly for being confident. It wasn’t received well by some, mostly women in my life—they saw my confidence as a threat, an affront, a discredit to them in some way, so I tried to dampen it. I tried to dim my light so that others in my life could feel better, special in some way. I’d hoped they would gain a bit of confidence (and maybe gain myself a bit of slack, so that I wasn’t so resented for simply being me. So that maybe I wouldn’t have to apologize for being me).

People in your life can try to make you feel less confident because of things that are happening or have happened in their lives. I worked with a client who didn’t fully realize his skills, gifts and offerings to the world. At the time, he was going through a divorce he didn’t initiate and searching for a job at the same time. Two very stressful situations that can have the most confident of us question ourselves. We talked through everything that was going on and worked through him defining his strengths and goals. I helped him realize his personal worth and then define himself as the talented man he is, unafraid to list his accomplishments and offerings to the company he was working for and then ask for what he wanted.

As a Life Coach, I want you all to know this as you venture through this life:

  • Be honest with yourself. Who are you, what are your goals, how will you reach them?
  • Define yourself: when you walk into a room, what do you want people to know about you?
  • Know that just because someone says something about you, it doesn’t make it true (positive or negative). It is that person’s opinion. Self-confidence comes from within.
  • What are your strengths? Know them and align yourself with them.
  • Quiet the voices of those who would rather you not be seen the way you want to be seen and received. They don’t have your best interest at heart.
  • Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people. Others will only dim your light.
  • Shine your light! Be unapologetic about who you are; your strengths, your goals, your achievements and character.
  • Celebrate yourself whenever you can.

Trust me, as I trust my tingles…when you know and trust yourself, you are on your right path! Know that self-confidence is about you and no one else. A lot of it comes because you’ve set a goal and met it. Nothing feels better than that. No one can “make you feel a certain way” about yourself. It really bothers me when someone says someone else intimidates them, or that another person makes them feel stupid. Think about it for just a beat—you’re intimidated. You feel stupid. Maybe something the person said or did triggered a memory or a touchy subject for you, but these are your issues that you have an opportunity to work through.

At the end of this essay, do know that there is nothing wrong with feeling confident, ask any leader. Bask in it and allow it to let you help humanity in some significant way.

HEALTHY WORK RELATIONSHIPS

HEALTHY WORK RELATIONSHIPS

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Let’s face it, if you work 30-40 hours a week, you spend most of your time with co-workers, and if you don’t get along, this can make for very tough weeks on end. Did you know that the number one reason people will leave their jobs, is because of their disdain for his or her boss? It’s true. Working for someone you don’t like, is hard, demoralizing, embittering and just plain hell, and 40 hours a week with this person is just not worth it.

I’ve had my fair share of “bad bosses” as well as really good ones. I learned from both. The bad ones taught me how NOT to treat my staff, and the good ones taught me how to be a leader instead of a boss. The trick is cultivating a healthy work relationship with your superior, his or her superior, your peers and your subordinates.

“So, how is this done, Andrea?” you ask, read on:

  • It’s important to leave your personal baggage/biases at home and not bring it to the job/office and then interact with each individual as just that—an individual; not a race, not a gender, not by that person’s sexuality or his or her aesthetic. These are just labels people may use to justify how they “should” treat others based on learned behavior. The treatment one receives rarely has anything to do with who he or she is as a person, as much as it does a collective; and the negative treatment people receive is usually unjustified.
  • Some people have more challenging personalities and there is no way around this. Don’t take it personally. You will not be able to turn him or her around to being a less challenging person if it’s not in them, and there is no way to know this unless you depersonalize the bad behavior, thus separating it from the person, and try to develop some type of healthy working relationship.
    • Please know that this will not require a friendship by any means, however, in some instances, it can develop into one.
    • The relationship that most often develops will become one of understanding of that person’s motivation. Once you understand why he or she is, you can then accept him or her right where they are and then leave it right there. The best outcome is that you can co-exist and present the best work possible.
  • Speaking of relationships, COMMUNICATE! If someone offends you—take a beat and discuss the person’s actions and how they made you feel. Take the emotion out of it, and don’t get defensive/mean/speak in anger/hurt. Don’t attack or accuse. Seek to understand. Offer something to the person, “If I’ve done something to offend you, I invite you to discuss it with me.” Once you neutralize the conversation so that the other party doesn’t get defensive (and with that, close off all communication), they can lower their barrier and it will become easier for them to listen and feel valued as an individual. This opens discussions, and you can now understand, perhaps, the why behind the behavior. Maybe you discover that said party was having a bad day and taking it out on you. Regardless, congratulations, you have opened the possibility for more collaboration and cohesion in the workplace, thus making you more productive and hopefully successful! Good for you!!!

I remember a director who reminded me when I was in the throes of hating my boss, that I am a leader, and as such, I will always have to take the higher road. Especially during the toughest moments. It was and is a valuable lesson that all leaders know: “Bosses, boss. Leaders, lead.” We lead by example first, and there isn’t anyone (well, almost anyone) we can’t lead if we set our minds to it.

Five Things Every Man Needs to Experience

Five Things Every Man Needs to Experience

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I wrote an article a while ago addressing this topic for women http://trustingthetingles.com/my-take-on-five-promises-every-woman-needs-to-make-to-herself/. Several people asked me, “What would your advice be for men?” While I think what I wrote for women can benefit men, too, there are inherent differences between the sexes, therefore, my advice is different. And do know, what I’ve written for men can benefit women as well. Here goes… (I’d love to hear from my male audience about this article).

  1. Discover You

 

Often men are quickly labeled as “weak” if they acknowledge or display their sadness or disappointment. The advice men usually receive as they grow up is chin up, real men don’t cry, swallow it, punch it out, and the such. In my opinion, that’s a recipe for disaster and an eventual explosive situation. If you acknowledge your anger/resentment/grief in a healthy way, you can better deal with whatever is affecting your emotions in the moment. It’s okay to emote. You don’t have to share your feelings with the world, but you do need to aware of them. Know who you are, define yourself and live happily.

 

  1. Get Your Heart Broken

This is the opposite of what I wrote for women. It’s important to have your heart broken at least once so that you have the experience and won’t take the real (or next) thing for granted when it happens. You don’t want to be caught off guard because you broke someone else’s heart because you didn’t anticipate how much your actions against the relationship would hurt. You don’t want to look back in regret because you didn’t do everything you could to be the best partner to your loved one. When your heart has been broken, I just think you understand this better.

  1. Take a Communication Class

 

Communication is key in every relationship. People communicate and hear things differently. It’s important to know how to differentiate the way the way you speak to your subordinates vs. the higher ups, your kids vs. your spouse, friends vs. strangers, etc. It’s not a one size fits all situation. There are coaches http://trustingthetingles.com/consultation/ who can help you with this.

 

  1. Take Care of Your Mind, Body and Soul

 

Regardless of whether you’re the breadwinner in the family, you’re the captain of the ship, and many people may be relying on you. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. I liken it to the advice we all receive on the plane just before take-off. The stewardess always advises you, in case of an emergency, to put on your oxygen mask first and then help those around you who may be having trouble. Same rules apply – you’re no good to anyone else if you’re incapacitated . Take care of your mind body and soul. There’s nothing sadder than a man who must depend on others: parents/spouse/Season’s 52 (or whatever your favorite restaurant) to nourish himself. First: eating out is expensive. Second: being in control of your health is easier when you control the ingredients you consume. Third: It’s not fair to put the sole onus of preparing most meals on your spouse unless that is your agreement, and even if it is, an occasional break is nice.

 

 

  1. Know What You’re Passionate About…and then go for it!

 

We are here for a reason. When we determine what the reason is, we have every obligation to fulfil that promise you made with whatever spiritual being you ascribe to. I believe that we all have an artistic gift, whether it’s music, writing, dance, or paint. For some, it’s about creating an empire, a legacy, something to pass on. Whatever it is, identify your calling and then go for it. Make it happen on some level until you can bring it to fruition. I will never forget the moment I knew that I was destined to write. It was years ago…and it came in the form of a dream that I’ll never forget. I know that if I can help one person through my words, I’ve succeeded. Same for you, find that passion and share it with the world. Later, I decided to coach and help other people achieve their full potential.

So, there you have it, my advice. Leave your opinions in the comments!

 

The Opposite of Love

The Opposite of Love

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Most people assume that the opposite of love is hate. When you hate someone, there are lingering feelings present. Even if you think you want to see the other person suffer in some horrific way and be in pain—it’s typically because you’re in pain. Maybe you had grand ideas and dreams for the future that will not come to fruition, or maybe there was and infidelity. Perhaps you feel that you were “duped”, and your spouse misrepresented him or herself by changing the agreements you made prior to the marriage. Regardless, you’re angry. Not, not in love. It’s important to understand these feelings.

Love doesn’t just stop because you’re angry and you hate your spouse now. This may explain why couples on the brink of divorce, or who have divorced, reconcile. Everyone knows a couple like this: you never in a million years thought the couple who fought so much would get back together again, but they did. The love didn’t die, but there was true anger/disappointment/resentment. We all go through moments of hate, how many times did you tell your parents that you hate them as a teen? How often did, or do, you and your bestie break up? Did you really hate your parents or friend, or were you just angry and acting out of hurt? You still loved them. That’s why it hurt so much.

The opposite of love is apathy, a complete disassociation of emotions about the other person—you just don’t care anymore. You will be able to distinguish between the two, because both present two very different feelings. This became clear to me when I counseled a couple a few years ago. The husband insisted that because the wife argued back, that she still loved him and he continued to antagonize her, provoking fights just to prove that she loved him; the dysfunction equaled love to him. Her response was always, “My arguing doesn’t mean I care. You should be concerned when I stop caring.”

They were both right to a certain degree. When apathy set in for the wife, the marriage was indeed irreparable. The fighting was merely a warning sign, and the wife was correct in letting the husband know what was coming. She became very calm and peaceful when she decided to stop arguing, create her exit strategy, and then make her move to file for divorce.

If you find yourself in this situation, constantly arguing in any relationship: friends, family, spouse, work, know that it’s a warning sign. Things can go one of three ways: you keep things status quo, make it work or you terminate the relationship. However, if you get to the point that you Just. Don’t. Care.—apathy, it’s time to move on. You’re no longer in a relationship. A partnership cannot be one-sided, and that’s the opposite of a relationship. It takes two caring individuals to maintain a healthy bond.

Heed the warning, take a moment to define your true feelings outside of the pain, communicate and then proceed.

Best of luck to you in all your relationships!

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